Nelly B (danish_cowgirl) wrote,
Nelly B
danish_cowgirl

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miserere mei, Deus

Just got back from a Saturday with the OH/NC/Brasil Tenney fam, all gathered at my grandparent's house in Cleveland Heights. Well, not all. My mom and baby sis Polly (even though she's 12 - the 'baby' is to differentiate between her and little sis Maggie, who's 16) came up to see my uncle, who was visiting from Rio de Janeiro, and it worked out that they could see me, too. And thus happiness abounded.

They brought my Blunnies (awesome Australian Blundstone boots, or Blunnies for short, which I'd kept forgetting), candied ginger, which Polly and I finished within hours, and a wonderfully bright blue-and-green Brasilian tapestry that I've hung on the wall to try and brighten up the room a little. It's working, kinda, although it looks a little bit out-of-place in all the cold Ohio drear - like it misses the sun too. But it does help. And it was really nice to see Mama and Polly again. Eddie came over for a bit to be subjected to Mama's scrutiny, brief interrogation, photo session and subsequent approval. Polly, who spent the night, was raving about him: he's "sooo sweet" and "sooo cute" and "sooo nice," even though she got gently urged to go elsewhere for a bit while he was over. And apparently, my very proper grandmother was shown the pics from Mama's photo session and decided that he's "quite handsome" and definitely looks like "a catch."

Wow. I just looked out my window. The sun's now low enough that it can peek a bit through the cloud cover, just enough to lend a hint of color back into the view. The winter trees are all tinged with a deep reddish-brown at the tips of their branches, but most of the rest of them is a soft white. They fade to a haze of darker red-purple further away, and where the forest abruptly stops, you can see the bluest of blues, just before the world ends and the sky begins: horizon blue, wanderlust blue - a misty, just-beyond-your-sight blue with the sweetest, wildest, most seductive siren song in the world; of such a color that you don't know if it could be earth or sky or someplace in-between; the color that awakens such a fierce longing to go that I have no idea why I'm still here in this little one-hoss town, or in any town with any number of hosses, when the horizon is screaming and whispering my name with such fierceness.

Then I remember: I'm too comfortable here.  I have a nice, safe life.  I love my friends and family, and think that I would miss them too much if I just up and left.  I fret about grades, which lead to various degrees at various other institutions of higher learning, which lead to various jobs with various salaries, and thus eventually (though I dread it with all my being) a rut with no hint of the sky.

Someday I'll go.  Someday I'll pack the bare essentials and head off, with only a note or a kiss for goodbye.  Someday the song of all that wild blue yonder will be stronger than all the little pins that hold me down, and I'll break them and run for my life.

Someday I'll stop saying someday...

 

-Nelly B
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